The Apprentice series 12 episode 5 recap: The idiocy of crowds
You would think that at this present time the suggestion of asking the public about anything would be met with extreme caution. With most of the country currently angry at seemingly everything, it’s probably a good idea to let them all calm down for a bit before you bother them. No one in their right mind would try and bother Joe Public with something frivolous, ridiculous or stupid right now, would they?
Yes, here we are, it’s week five of “Lord Sugar’s Find Me a Business Idiot Who Will One Day Possibly Take Me To Court.”
The phone rings at 5am this time (I swear it is getting earlier), the Filofax gang have thirty minutes to paint themselves before the cars arrive and take them to Lea Valley Velodrome (a bit like the Thunderdome, but with cycling) where Lord Sugar will greet them, hopefully in Lycra, to tell them about the latest task.
He arrives via his Rolls Royce, and not on his beloved Amstrad cycle that faxes while he pedals. This week the teams will have to bother the public (via a flashmob) and set up crowd funding for some exciting new cycling related products (all I could think of was that man who invented the robot that fed him tomatoes while he ran – sorry guys).
The Project Managers this week will be JD (gravel voiced Songs of Praise stuntman) and Samuel (a man that none of us had remembered was in this until he spoke just then).
After viewing some interesting items (such as some “cycling mascots” and the peanut that reverses time), the two teams picked their items. Samuel went with a gilet that lights up (it also comes with an anecdote from the inventor about how she thought of it after her husband was knocked from his bike), while JD went with some special headphones that send music via your bones (or something) – you know, like Coldplay. They sit down to plan the “rewards” for all the prospective crowd funders, and all is going well until Jessica and Paul (JD’s team) don’t actually bother to ask the headphones man any questions about what kinds of rewards they could offer. I suspect this could be a problem down the line, not sure, though.
We then cut to Samuel and his team who are all rather surprised to see that he has decided that he is now in a Chorus Line and is effectively doing this:
Samuel is falling into the familiar trap of forgetting it’s a business related game show and not Andrew Lloyd Webber’s wedding.
Meanwhile across town, JD and his team have decided to go down the gospel route and have convinced a gospel choir, who were just minding their own business, to sing “Joyful, joyful, riding your cycle” – like some sort of mantra for Halfords. It has to be said, the gospel choir is adding a lovely touch of class to this. There is no way this will get mucked up, I am sure.
Samuel has decided, pretty much on his own, to go down the mime route with his flashmob. I am sure that this is a great idea and in no way a total disaster waiting to happen.
Back in JD’s dynamic team, he is essentially watching everyone else do everything and occasionally offering the word “relax” as some sort of reassurance. Karren is in no way impressed with this technique, mind you she was involved in the London Stadium, so perhaps she shouldn’t chime in on big useless things.
Samuel is auditioning his mime artists to pretend to run people over. It’s quite the thing.
Back on the subteams, they are filming their adverts. Jessica is directing Sofiane cycling up and down the road with his bone headphones on, which is essentially a post-Brexit version of StreetHawk (ask your Dad). This is made a trickier task as Paul keeps barking orders at Sofiane, as if he is an idiot – I know!
On the other team, Lucy, the gilet inventor, is doing her speech to camera about how her husband got knocked off of his bike, while Karthik babbles endlessly like he has just watched Zeitgeist and has all the answers. Upon completion of their advert, which does look professional, the team realises that they have spelt the word “gilet” wrong – Samuel reckons this doesn’t matter.
We then go to Waterloo to witness Samuel’s mime (and mime is money) class launch their crowd funding extravaganza. We are treated to the television highlight of the year; an older actor in Samuel’s mime class merrily running over young women with a fixed rictus grin, like Marcel Marceau mixed with Peter Sutcliffe. Samuel thinks its great, Claude thinks it’s horrendous and says that he is “hashtag concerned” – a desperate effort to appeal to DA YOOF, there (hashtag: da yoof). Gráinne is deeply unhappy with Samuel not bothering to clarify with the actors what they need to do when speaking to the public (“It’ll be alright”) and becomes generally very fed up with him not listening to anyone.
JD’s team pitch up at King’s Cross to unleash the choir and all seems like it is going well, however they can’t begin properly until the website is launched for the crowd funding. Paul realises at this point that he doesn’t know what the “rewards” will be as he didn’t ask the headphone inventor. He then calls the inventor and gathers the facts, badly.
With the website ready, the choir can begin. JD gets his team to leap into action and film this once in a lifetime event, but sadly he may as well have asked his Nan, as all they ended up filming was the back of someone’s head and some pavement – hope it goes viral, lads.
With their incredible flash mobs over, it’s time to sort out pitching to the big cycling companies. Karthik wants to pitch and literally forgets that Alana exists when picking a team, something that upsets her, as earlier he did the same. Samuel announces that he will pitch for his team, something that makes Thrishna livid, as she was told she would be doing it.
The pitches are both pretty horrible, with the main highlights being JD attempting to cash in on 2012 Olympic fever with a room full of people alive in 2016 who hate life, and Francis being hung out to dry with absolutely no information and making up percentages as she goes.
It’s the end of the task and we are treated to some further shots of Canary Wharf, despite the fact that Lord Sugar doesn’t work on Canary Wharf, so it may as well be Alaska.
Back in the boardroom Lord Sugar is angry – mainly with JD for essentially admitting that he did everything wrong and that he was a friend first, boss second and a chilled out entertainer third.
The results of the crowdfunding are in and both teams basically raised nothing, but Samuel’s team managed to not totally humiliate themselves. Their treat was to watch someone do some cooking – whoop.
JD decides to take back Rebecca and shouty Paul. It doesn’t take long at all for Lord Sugar to fire JD for once again admitting that he got loads wrong and gives Rebecca and Paul their final warnings, etc.
The more I watch The Apprentice, the more it is becoming this:
Next week: Much, much more of the same.