The Apprentice series 12 episode 10 recap: Gin and chronic idiocy
The expression “couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery” has floated around Apprentice lore since the series began. It’s reeled out weekly by avid viewers, aghast at the levels of fervent, rampant idiocy constantly on display.
We have spent years watching these people line up to do their “Del-Boy falling through the yuppie bar” acts and wondering just how they expect to go into business with the man who once ran Amstrad – inventors of the “Double Decker, a key component in the legendary home video piracy boom of the mid-80s”. Lovely stuff.
This week we got to see if our remaining business boffins could run a business from a brewery. It was WHO DARES GINS.
YES! It’s week ten of “Lord Sugar’s Find Me a Business Idiot Who Will One Day Possibly Take Me To Court.”
The remaining candidates (with Courtney as the last remaining man) had to meet Lord Sugar at the Naval College in Greenwich. I was hoping he’d put them on boats bound for uncharted waters, where they will have to fight each other to the death using only an Amstrad approved method of combat – like a knife that emails your family when you die, or a gun that shoots you but also gives you an up to date FTSE 100 spreadsheet as you lay dying.
Sadly neither of these came to pass, instead the tenuous link to the meeting place was about gin and naval history. To be honest, I drifted off at this point as all I could think about was how a knife would email your family. The teams will need to come up with their own gin, brand it abysmally and try and sell it to people who do not want it – as is the drill with these tasks.
Grainne is Project Leader of Trishna and Frances, while Courtney is Project Leader of Jessica and Alanna (despite Alanna wanting the gig, but being mansplained into submission by the last remaining “Y Tho” chromosome left in the process).
It’s time to choose the flavours, which involves drinking a lot of gin. Trishna comes up with the amazing idea of an orange gin – yes, and orange gin. This will involve adding a food colouring, which is heavily frowned upon, making it a sort of mix between gin and Tango, not sure she is aiming high enough here. It’s a fine line between gin drinkers, and the bewildering arseholes of the WKD campaign (“I use a gym to sit in a hot tub – I am mad, me”).
On the other team, Alanna is really shining while she choses her flavours and generally serves as our mouth, heart and mind-piece, her every reaction and facial expression in this series has really been a vessel for the country as a whole. I want her to win so very much. Alanna choses a raspberry gin, mixed with peppercorns and other nonsense.
Frances on the other team is working on the branding. They have settled on the name “Colony Gin” and she is boring some poor designer with maps and wavy lines. Meanwhile, across town, Grainne and Trishna are getting pissed out of their heads tasting gin and having cocktails.
Courtney and Jessica are working on their concept. Courtney is freezing under pressure and isn’t really blowing Jessica away with ideas, “He was brilliant last week”, Jessica says. You know, when he came up with the idea of a Space Badger. Yes – “brilliant”.
Finally, Courtney’s brain starts to fire and he comes with the name “Giin”. They immediately call Alanna to tell her and she is as impressed as a child at Christmas who has been told her parents bought her a game about a Space Badger, she doesn’t hide it, either.
Frances tries to call Trishna and Grainne over and over (19 times in total) to get the list of spices that have gone in their exciting orange “Colony Gin”, but they are having far too good a time being drunk to even think of answering the phone. The deadline passes and Frances has to make something up for the branding.
The next day the products arrive and the teams get a chance to look them over. “Giin” arrives looking like a bottle of knock off aftershave, while “Colony Gin” (which I can only read as “colon-y gin” – sorry about that) arrives and looks like a bottle of “Special Edition Irn Bru”.
It’s time to pitch the products to Majestic Wine in Watford (birthplace of culture). Courtney begins his pitch badly and quickly gets worse with each uttered word – sort of like feeding a phone book into a voice simulator letter by letter. Even Claude, a man that has probably watched all of Cadfael, think it’s a “snoozefest”. All I could think about was this:
Courtney also labours under the misapprehension that if you say “gin” as “JEEEN” and mention that it’s about ‘sharing moments’, or some such toss, it will make everything better. This is not true and never will be.
Next up Frances pitches her “Colony Gin”, which is made difficult by Trishna having the massive hump and sulking, while also pissing about during the pitch (dropping things, clanking bottles, being a dick). Karren scowls at Trishna all the way through. The experts then ask what exactly makes it orange and Frances says “natural ingredients” – which is obviously a total and utter lie – which makes Karren’s eyebrows raise so high she could take down a 747.
Next up is Tesco and Courtney once again freezes and bombs during his pitch, Alanna jumps in and attempts to save the day once again, though the whole pitch quickly turns into a load of people talking over one another – sort of like a rap battle but with more attitude.
On the other team, Grainne is on the way to do her next pitch when Trishna and Frances call her to suggest she alters her approach slightly. This doesn’t go down well at all and it becomes like a kind of passive-aggressive cold war.
Colony Gin is getting a lot of negativity, what with it looking like Irn Bru, having no ingredients listed on the bottle and there also being the whole negative connotation of the “colony” and everything that comes with that. At this point they might as well have called it “Twelve Years a Gin”.
It’s time for the boardroom. We are treated to some shots of Canary Wharf, despite the fact that Lord Sugar doesn’t work on Canary Wharf, so it may as well be Joss Ackland’s Backpack.
In the boardroom Lord Sugar reveals the stats: Courtney’s team received £20,400 worth of orders, while Grainne’s team got just £5,280. It’s a walloping.
The “treat” this week is a ride in a helicopter. Woop. A few years ago that would have been a ride in a helicopter AND some very hard drugs and hookers. Bloody timid BBC – thanks John Whittingdale (who ironically would have probably loved the old style helicopter ride)
Back in the boardroom, Frances tears into the other two about them being pissed while she needed the info for her ingredients label and how they missed NINETEEN calls. Trishna says she “doesn’t know about gin”, “You drank enough of it,” Karren says with laser-like speed. Trishna’s mood swing on that important day also comes into play, and with that, Lord Sugar’s mind is pretty much made up. Trishna is fired.
The other two go back to the house and make a joke about drinking some gin, which is about all we all deserve for coming this far.
Next week: INTERVIEWS. Yes, folks, the reason we all watch this bloody thing. The bludgeonings. With this lot, it will be VERY funny.
Until then, let’s enjoy this: